Just One More Thing

New Blog Address

2010-11-01T20:01:00.002-05:00

Moved to WordPress... here's the address http://alwaysjustonemorething.us/ Now the question is will I ever write anything?

rear-view tears

2010-10-06T12:54:00.005-05:00

I look in my rear-view mirror as I drive down the road in my mini-van and see three beautiful faces smiling back at me. I realize, again, that this is my life and these precious little ones are a gift given to me to teach and train, then the tears begin to build. I am amazed!

Three years ago we started the process to add baby number three. 17 months after we started, we started over again because we had found our daughter and knew she was ours. Now, 19 months later she is home. (Here come the tears again.) Her smile brightens my day, her laugh makes me laugh, sometimes her cries make we want to cry. I love her. She is mine, and she is home.

Thank you, God.

6 months later

2010-08-12T22:57:00.004-05:00

Not much has changed. Still waiting for my little girl to come home... could be any time now. There's a court hearing next week so we're praying that we get some good news.

I've been sitting here reading old posts and it makes me really miss writing. I wish that I could say I'm going to be faithful at it, but life gets in the way. I'm trying to figure out this whole homeschooling 2 kids at once thing and I know that soon I will be adding a toddler into the mix, so my life is not about to get easier. I am thankful for this season of my life. It is different than anything I have ever experienced or ever expected, but I think I like it. I'm still learning what it looks like to be a homeschooling mom, but for the first time since we started I really feel like this is what I want to be doing (not just what I should be doing).

God has truly blessed me. He is holding me close even when it is a struggle for me to hold onto him. These almost three years of waiting for our daughter have been long and draining, both emotionally and spiritually, but I do know that God is faithful and His plan is perfect. I don't always understand it, but I know I can trust it. Some days are better than others. So are some weeks.

Will I Ever Learn?

2010-02-06T10:02:00.003-05:00

As I read Exodus, I keep thinking how strange it is that the people of Israel become inconvenienced and immediately start saying "If only you had left us in Egypt..." They just seem stupid, and oblivious to the provisions and blessings from God.

Suddenly I realized 'I'm just as stupid as them'. When I am annoyed or inconvenienced I start asking "Why is this my life?" or saying "If only (insert circumstance or person's name) were different".

I am missing the blessings of God because I am so caught up in feeling sorry for myself. He is giving me opportunities to learn, grow, and love; and I am missing them because I am angry that things aren't the way I wish they were.

When I Grow Up

2010-01-22T09:55:00.004-05:00

All I ever wanted to grow up to be was a wife and a mom. I would be domestic and sweet. My husband would be romantic, showing up with flowers and gifts at random. My kids would be well-behaved all of the time. I would never yell, like other mothers do, and I would never wish I could be somewhere else... anywhere else. Hmmm... that is not at all what this is like.

I am broken and it's in my face. I am so thankful for the blood of Jesus and that it is by the work that he did on the Cross that I am saved. If it had anything to do with me I would be in real trouble.

Thank you, God, for your gracious love.

A Poem by Ella Conrad Cowherd

2010-01-08T09:52:00.002-05:00

I'm too tired to trust and too tired to pray,
Said one, as the over-taxed strength gave way.
The one conscious thought by my mind possessed,
Is, oh, could I just drop it all and rest.

Will God forgive me, do you suppose,
If I go right to sleep as a baby goes,
Without an asking if I may,
Without every trying to trust and pray?

Will God forgive you? Think back, dear heart,
When language to you was an unknown art,
Did a mother deny you needed rest,
Or refuse to pillow your head on her breast?

Did she let you want when you could not ask?
Did she set her child an unequal task?
Or did she cradle you in her arms,
And then guard your slumber against alarms?

Ah, how quickly a mother's love can see,
The unconscious yearnings of infancy.
When you've grown too tired to trust and pray,
When over-wrought nature has quite given way:

Then just drop it all, and give up to rest,
As you used to do on a mother's breast,
He knows all about it---the dear Lord knows,
So just go to sleep as a baby goes;

Without even asking if you may,
God knows when His child is too tired to pray.
He judges not solely by uttered prayer,
He knows when the yearnings of love are there.

He knows you do pray, He knows you do trust,
And He knows, too, the limits of poor, weak dust.
Oh, the wonderful sympathy of Christ,
For His chosen ones in that midnight tryst,

When He bade them "Sleep and take your rest",
While on Him the guilt of the whole world pressed---
You have trusted you life to Him to keep,
Then don't be afraid to go right to sleep."

Giving up

2009-03-18T14:20:00.002-05:00

I think it's time to give up on blogging. When I do have the time to do it I don't feel like doing it, and I am always annoyed that I have a blog on which I never post. So, I done being bothered by it. If I feel like writing something I will, but the rest of the time I will not bother. Maybe some day I will write more, but today is not that day and I don't think that this is the year either.

On that note, I will leave for now by sharing this bit of information...

Our adoption plans have changed. We are now adopting from India, because that is where God has shown us our daughter is. Her name will be Amanda and we hope that she will be home by fall. She will be six months old in six days. It's amazing to see how God has worked in all of this. He is teaching us to trust him for all of the details. If our papers had arrived in the normal time frame (about which we were irritated when they hadn't) we would have sent everything off before we ever knew about Amanda. We are thrilled to know her and miss her even though we have not yet had the privilege of holding her in our arms. We are busy completing paperwork and getting our house ready for our little girl. We can't wait to have her home!

And that's all for now.

Super Hero School

2009-02-02T18:42:00.005-05:00

Homeschool Super Hero in training

The lesser known super hero "Super Dog" Maybe not as fancy as the Batman costume, but what an imagination!

What's My Motive? II

2009-01-13T11:36:00.004-05:00

While reading "Anne of Green Gables" by L. M. Montgomery the other night, this quote struck me.

"How unfortunate that Anne should have displayed such a temper before Mrs. Rachel Lynde, of all people! Then Marilla suddenly became aware of an uncomfortable and rebuking consciousness that she felt more humiliation over this than sorrow over the discovery of such a serious defect in Anne's disposition."

This book, regarding children's behavior, is concerned primarily about outward acts and never concerned with the heart but it still made me think about my motives in correcting my children. Do I experience sorrow/Do I react because they have hurt my reputation or because they have sinned against the holy God?

Hmmmm.... Certainly something for me to think about.

Rock Stars

2009-01-08T10:57:00.004-05:00

This is what happens when I fall asleep on the couch for ten minutes.

What's My Motive?

2009-01-05T07:29:00.002-05:00

The following quotes are from "A Quest for More" by Paul David Tripp

" Motive. To live a Christ-centered life means that he really is the reason I do everything I do. I want to know him. I want to be a part of his work on earth. I want to please him with my life. I want to value what he values. I want his purpose for me to define my purpose for myself, I want to follow his words and incarnate his character. I want to be his disciple and represent him like an ambassador so his will shapes my actions, reactions, words, thoughts, and desires. My decisions are more about what pleases him than what pleasures me. I am enthused that I have been selected to be part of his big kingdom, and I want to live in a way that fits with the goals, values, and purposes of it."

"Our thoughts can be so dominated by the necessary tasks of the day, by the difficulties we face, or by the people around us, that we lose our consciousness of the Lord of Glory who has drawn us into his transcendent purposes for the universe... (Christ-centered living) is caring more about his glory than about my schedule. Is is caring that his grace is spread and his fame is known more than I care about the next-sale, the next promotion, an immaculate house, or a fun lunch with my friends. Ask yourself, when you start your day, what fills the eyes of your heart? What "unseen" thing draws and motivates you? Do you see God? Are you drawn towards him? Do you desire that your day be his day? Do you recognize his grace, power, and sovereignty in your life?"

Trying Something

2009-01-05T07:21:00.003-05:00

I thought maybe I would try something new since I can never find the time to blog, or let's be honest... when I have the time, I just don't feel like it. Often, as I am reading (my husband would probably laugh at the "often" part of my statement, but it is actually true) and I think on the things I am reading I begin to compose what I think would be a good blog post in my head. Problem is, it never actually makes it to the blog. So, I've decided to just try to share bits and pieces of the things I am learning. Sometimes I may have something to say about it and sometimes it will just be a quote or verse that will share with you what's on my mind and maybe give you something to think about too. Like I said... I am trying something new. Hopefully I can maintain it, but I don't make any promises.

our weekend away

2008-06-11T19:59:00.009-05:00

I don't have much to say, but I figure I can post some pictures. We went to San Antonio, Texas for the weekend. Joshua, our oldest nephew, graduated from Basic Military Training in the USAF. He also got married while we were there. Big day for him, huh? Here are some pics of him and his new wife, Cassandra.

Here's hubby and me in front of the Alamo.

This is the Tower of the Americas. There is an observation deck and revolving restaurant at the top (we ate there and it was awesome). During the meal the restaurant made one full rotation, so we saw the city from every angle. It was really cool.

A view from the restaurant. We pick the perfect time for our reservation. Ahhhh... Sunset.

Finally a picture of my handsome hubby at our fancy dinner. I just couldn't resist posting this one. I think he's so cute.

Well, it was a GREAT weekend, but I am glad to back home again with my boys. We did miss them.

Obey God and Bless Others

2008-03-21T04:14:00.003-05:00

I don't have much to say about this , but this is a lesson I need to learn EVERY day. Check it out at "Girl Talk" This particular post was published on March 18, but I just haven't had a chance to read it until now. I think God worked it that way because he knew I needed to hear it today (well, I need it everyday, but today is special).

I had to edit this post, because as soon as I published it I read the next post on the "Girl Talk" blog and wanted to direct you to it as well. It has to do with the previous.

Good stuff.

Adoption

2008-03-13T09:19:00.002-05:00

I cried as I watched this video clip and consider my adoption into God's family by his Grace. As well as being reminded of why we press on to bring our baby home from Ethiopia. There have been days recently when I have thought "Are we really doing the right thing for our family? Have we made the right decision?" The answer is yes. It's not about what is easy or comfortable but what will bring glory to my Father in heaven.

What is Love?

2008-03-10T14:43:00.004-05:00

I have no doubt that at least a few of you are following up my post heading by bobbing your heads and singing "baby don't hurt me, no more." I say this from experience (you know who you are, right girls?)

Anyway, here's what I'm learning about love as I have been reading the book "Love Walked Among Us" by Paul Miller. Be prepared as I will probably ramble a little, but it's better than nothing... I guess.

The most important thing for me to remember is that Jesus is the ultimate example of genuine and sincere love. He is the only person who has ever lived and loved perfectly. So, what are some of the characteristics of Jesus that demonstrate to us what real love looks like? Jesus shows compassion to the people he interacts with. This means that he takes time to look at them and tries to feel what it is like to be in their place. Jesus only seeks to bring God glory. He is not thinking of himself or how it will benefit him.

Love is often neither convenient nor efficient. Loving others may mean letting go of my plans in order follow God's plan for my life to love and serve others. One thing Miller says about this is...

"When we love we cease to be the master and become a servant. Loving means losing control of our schedule, our money, and our time. Instinctively, we fear a commitment to love because it means the end of so much. We wonder, if I love like this, who will be there to love me?"

As I read and learn more about what real love looks like I realize how little I have understood about love in the past and what little love I show to others. I think only of myself and how others fit into my tidy little life. Do I have time to serve a person in need at the very moment they need me? Well.... I can help them, but it might have to wait 'til Tuesday because today I have plans to run "important" errands. Do they have any time open from 2-4 that day? And then, what if they don't want my help? Well look out because some stuff is about to hit the fan.

Is my life, my heart, my home, my wallet open enough to let people in? Nope. Am I so consumed with protecting myself and loving myself that I leave no room for others? Yup, that one is me.

Often I pass up opportunities to love others because of my opinions of how they ended up in the given predicament. If they had made better decisions then they would not require myself and others to expend our energies on them. Miller also talks about something called "Beam Research - being honest without being judgmental" It is a lot easier to love people, if we first do as Jesus commands in the Sermon on the Mount. He says "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the beam in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a beam in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the beam out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:3-5). About "Beam Research" Miller says "it says to first reflect on how we do similar things, and then use that information to be honest with our friend. When we own up to our problems first, our holier-than-thou attitude disappears, leaving only a compassionate honesty." All of this makes me think that if there is a situation in which I am bound to my friend to confront an issue in their life the only way I can do it in love is if I first confront myself and how I am prone to or engrossed in very similar or in some cases the very same thing. Also, there may be no need for confrontation, only love. Maybe the person sees this themselves and though repentant still suffers the consequences and needs love from their sister in Christ. My self-righteousness leads me to believe that I would never do something to cause myself so much trouble, yet I know the truth is that my heart is just as sinful as the next person. I just don't always treat people like that is the truth.

Now, here's a real doozie... Loving an Enemy

"Jesus even loved the people who killed him... He says, 'Father, forgive them, for they know do not know what they are doing' (Luke 23:34)".... Is Jesus a masochist? That kind of love sounds crazy. Won't we open ourselves up for more hurt? No. Think about it. There are two problems with enemies. What they did hurts, and as we obsess about what they did, bitterness sets in like a claw in the brain. We become so focused on the hurt that we don't notice the bitterness slowly eating away at us--like cancer of the soul. Bitterness quietly transforms us so we become just like our enemy."

I am really trying to wrap my head or heart, I should say, around this one. I know it's true, but it's such a stretch for my sinful human heart that I have to keep coming back to God and asking for his Holy Spirit to do this work of loving my enemies through me. And that is right where it's at! I can't love anyone, not even my husband and children, without help from the Holy Spirit. I have to continually ask to be filled with God's love so that it overflows to everyone in my life. I have to ask the Holy Spirit to move in me and take away my selfish motives and self righteous attitudes so that I can be free to love others. I see how often I fail and it can make me crazy sometimes, but a friend says it well "the mere fact that I don’t like feeling this way is evidence that the Holy Spirit is working on me already…and that gives me the encouragement and hope that I need to pray" (her blog).

So, have I arrived? Nope. Will I arrive this side of heaven? Nope. Praise the Lord for Jesus' love for me and his Holy Spirit at work in my life. I pray that while he has me here he will sanctify me through my relationships and teach me to love more like Jesus does. I might have more to say about all this love stuff at some point and maybe next time it will be composed a little better, but for now I thought I would share what I am chewing on.

I hope I never forget

2008-03-07T05:52:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was a great day. Simple... but wonderful. Our day officially began with breakfast, some straightening, and a little bit of indoor play. I watched Connor play with Thomas trains and I saw the same excitement in his eyes as when we first bought the trains for Andy when he was Connor's age. It was so cool to see him LOVING the same things his brother used to love, and to see Andy trying to show Connor all the things he could do with them.

Then off we went on a bike ride (I'll put some pics on our family picture blog if you're interested). Well, I walked (Connor is still learning to pedal). After a little over a mile of riding/walking/pulling Connor's bike along we returned home for some hot chocolate. Then it was Connor's nap time and Andy J. and I took off to run some errands (I guess I should mention that Andy Sr. was working from home because he's been sick, I didn't just leave Connor here by himself :o)

There is a little farm market close to where we live now and I had never been there before but had heard good things, so we headed there first. It's a fun little place, mostly run by Mennonite families. We stopped first at a bulk food market. I picked up some spices while Andy J. ogled the rows of candy on the end cap. I told him that I would let him pick something to get but I wanted to look around first. As we walked he found a bag of peanuts and started telling me how much he LOVES peanuts and how Pop Pop always has peanuts for him. I asked if that is what he would like to pick as his treat and he got so excited. After we paid he insisted on carrying them himself.

We headed to the produce stand next and tasted some of the fresh fruit they had cut up for the customers. We talked about the different kinds of fruit and which ones we like best. After this we found the soft pretzel/ice cream counter. We each picked our own pretzel and resolved to walk around the rest of the market while we ate them, but to make a complete circle so that we would end up back at this same counter to order some ice cream.

We walked and talked and looked at all the toys and yummy goodies along the way. We saw some fresh rabbit at the meat counter and decided that we would get some next time we came and try it for dinner (he'll try just about anything, as long as it's not green). We talked about all the different kinds of fish at the fish counter. I told him we would bring Daddy back some time and let him pick what he wanted to get there, which led to the question "Why? Is it because Daddy is better than you at cooking fish?" I smiled and told him that that was certainly one of the reasons.

Now it was time for ice cream. We each got a cone with one scoop (the biggest one scoop ever) of ice cream. We sat at a nearby table to talk and eat. We compared tongue colors as we ate more of our treat. His was blue and pink so he was sure it was going to change the color of his tongue. We talked about what I was going to make for dinner and he said he would eat it, but not the salad part. When I told him it would be just cucumbers in this salad he agreed that he does love cucumbers so he would try it. We decided it would be fun to come back here as a family some time and maybe have lunch and of course more ice cream. After sitting for a while it was time to leave. We ran a couple more errands at stores where he could have been tempted to beg for things and cry when he didn't get them, but instead he just looked and played and then put them away when I said it was time to go.

On our ride home as our "date" was coming to an end I turned and looked in the back seat and said "This was really fun. I had a great time!" With a beaming smile he replied "Me too. I love you, Mom."

I wish I could tuck every moment and word we said to each other into my memory, but those things will no doubt fade over time. I hope that I will always remember how happy it made him just to have this time one on one with his mom. I hope that I can always think of this day and see the smile that was on his face from the time I said "This is a Mommy and Andy date" until the time he went to bed. I started to feel a little guilty that Connor and I have never done anything like this and probably won't any time too soon, but we will some day when he is old enough to appreciate it too. I look forward to doing this many more times with all of my kids. This was really a lesson for me as to how important it is to spend time with each child alone and, to show them how very special they are to you as an individual and not just part of the group we call family. I could see what that meant to Andy J. in his face the whole day. When we said good night I gave him a kiss and told him once again how much fun I had with him. As he reached up to give me a huge hug, he smiled and said "It was really fun for me too."

I am a Daughter!!!

2008-01-31T02:27:00.000-05:00

I have really been struggling over the past couple of months to see myself as a daughter. You may be thinking "What the heck are you talking about? Of course you're a daughter with two loving parents!" Well, yes that is true I have two wonderful earthly parents who love me very much and show it in so many ways, but I have something that is even better than that... a Heavenly Father who loves me beyond measure.

I have head knowledge that tells me I am a child of God, but without my heart being able to understand and believe that, I live as an orphan. This had led me to a feeling of despair. I could see my sin and my yucky sinful heart and knew that I could not change it. I was forgetting that when God looks at me he sees Jesus' righteousness. There's a fancy phrase for it "imputed righteousness". The truth of the gospel is that because of God's plan to send Jesus to live a perfectly righteous life, die on the cross, and be resurrected I am forgiven. Just as Jesus is God's son, I am his daughter and he loves me that much. A friend of mine always says "You are worth one Jesus."

I have been praying, it came slowly and sometimes awkwardly when I was in this low place, but I knew that it was the only place I could go to seek rest. I had to admit to God that I couldn't do anything that I was trying to do. I can't stop worshiping my husband, children, and home above God unless he does that work in me through his Holy Spirit. I had to ask for help. I asked and he answered. He has given me an opportunity to be separated from these idols for a short time in order to serve others and bring glory to him. He will help me to rely on him and I can only do it with the strength he provides.

Then today, I talked with God. I kept coming back to him over and over talking to him about our house (the one that's been on the market since September). It went something like this...

"God, I don't know why you haven't sold our house yet, but I'm sure there is a reason. I would really like it if we could sell that house... If you don't want us to, that's okay too.... Well, God, I know that this is bold and I don't know if it is selfish, but I believe that you answer prayers so please sell our house before the end of the day tomorrow. If you choose not to do this please give me peace and give us direction as to what we should do with the house." (paraphrase)

Around eight o'clock tonight we got a call saying that an offer had been made on our house. We will go to sign papers and accept the offer in the morning. God heard my prayers and answered. I think it may be necessary to say that even if he had not sold our house I am confident that he would have answered this prayer by directing us in our decision making and helping us to trust him in all of it. God answered this bold prayer very clearly and in a way that was admittedly what I was hoping for but it is important to know that just because we think something would be best a certain way we can trust that God truly knows what is best for us and works all things together for the good of his children.

Here is the best news I received all day... not the house selling, but God hears MY prayers. He has been listening to me, little ol' me. I laid in bed tonight with tears streaming down my face thanking God for his faithfulness. Not that he was faithful to sell our house (which I am thankful for) but that he was faithful to remind me that I am his and he cares so deeply for me that he is listening when I am speaking to him. I feel like He has come down and wrapped his arms around me and said to me "I know you are having trouble believing, but you have asked for help to believe and I love you so much and care so much about you that I want to help you. Be still and know that I AM God."

A Wii for Mii

2007-12-27T15:26:00.000-05:00

That's right, you read it correctly. I got the season's most desired gift from hubby. What does this mean? It means that today most of the muscles on the right side of my body are in terrible pain. I have wanted a Wii for a while, but definitely didn't think I would be getting one anytime soon.

Anyway... just a couple of days before Christmas I was standing in the check out line at the grocery store and a conversation about being done Christmas shopping began. Three other women and myself were sharing what stage of the game we were in. One women said she likes to wait until the last minute because you get all the best deals if you do this. I didn't say it, but I thought about the stress that would cause for me. I think an ulcer started to form just thinking about attempting that for the sake of a few bucks. (To give you an idea of how true this is of me, I already bought 3 Christmas gifts for next year.) Then the conversation turned to the Wii. Each women (all a good deal older than myself) said they couldn't believe how people will stand in line for one of those "silly" games. I quickly responded, without thinking, "Well, that is THE coolest game I have ever played! I might stand in line for one, but I guess it depends on how long the line is." I wish I had a camera to take a picture of the looks on their faces. I suddenly realized that I was the baby in the group and that they all suddenly thought I was much too immature to be a part of this conversation. Well, I hope they are all having fun with their new toaster ovens and wool socks while I am having a blast laughing and playing games with my boys.

It is the BEST gift ever! Thanks, Honey!

That's My Boy!

2007-12-23T15:15:00.000-05:00

I laughed so hard I cried. I am so proud of him (and so glad we didn't forget our camera)!

too tired to write

2007-12-10T12:43:00.000-05:00

I've been in a funk that I don't feel like writing about. With that being said, I thought I would direct you to our family photo page that I just updated for the first time in 7 months. I can't believe it's been that long, though it does make it seem like I post here pretty often when I compare it to that :o) Here's the link... http://clarkliving.blogspot.com/index.html

Enjoy.

p.s. In good news, we got our criminal history checks back already. This could have potentially held up the adoption process because it has been taking so long for them to come back, but our only took 4 weeks (others have been taking up to 4 months recently). Oh, and we're not criminals. We have the papers to prove it!

Settlement Day

2007-10-30T13:08:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is settlement day on our new house. We got some great news yesterday... We are getting the house for $8,000 less than we originally planned. Yippee!!! I am so thankful for this blessing, not just because it is saving us a little money, but because even in suffering I see God's faithfulness in confirming that we are inside of His will. With some of the things going on in our lives lately it would be easy to start to second guess what we know God has called us to, but He encourages us to press on. I believe that God is in all things and that every good and perfect gift comes from him, so it is to him that I credit this bit of good news. That being said, I also recognize that the suffering that we are experiencing is an attack from the enemy that God is allowing us to endure. He could take the suffering away, he has the power to do that but he chooses not to. Why? His allowing us to suffer is also a good and perfect gift because it will result in being pressed deeper into God. That is where I want to be.

Anyway, we start moving boxes tomorrow (as well as cleaning the place) and I will continue that process over the next few days. Saturday is the real moving day (with the big truck). Hopefully all that will be left to do on the weekend is move big pieces of furniture. I'll try to post some pics once we have the chance to make it look like our home sweet home.

I could say so much...

2007-10-23T20:43:00.000-05:00

...but I won't.

The past five days have been something to write about, and yet I feel entirely incapable of doing that. I will say just a few things... God sent a man and his wife to our church to minister to us and to challenge us. Andy had the privilege of spending a week in India with this family in September and I am so thankful for the opportunity I have had to get to know them over the last few days and be encouraged by them. It has very little to do with the fact that they are such captivating speakers and so very much to do with the fact that the true desire of their hearts is to see God glorified. God has been preparing us to be a part of spreading the gospel globally and has graciously been preparing us for some of the ways this calling will affect our lives. I think I could comment on the entire book of 1 Peter right now, but I don't have the energy. My heart is heavy. Satan is attacking and he wants us to be distracted, but I know that we are not alone. Jesus is with us and promises not to leave us or forsake us. We were reminded this week in Luke 9:62 that Jesus said "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God." God will grant us the strength to press on and not look back.

I will keep my commentary on 1 Peter limited to this, though there is so much I could say. 1 Peter 1:24-25 says “All flesh is like grass and all its glory like the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the word of the Lord remains forever.' And this word is the good news that was preached to you." So concise! Nothing else matters but the word of the Lord. All that I cling to in this world will be gone, but his word will endure. Sharing the gospel is more important than my comfort, my reputation, or any other idol that I set up for myself.

Adoption, etc.

2007-10-14T15:17:00.000-05:00

If you have talked to me at all in the past two or three weeks you probably know that we have finally begun the adoption process in an official way. After reading, waiting, and certainly some degree of impatience because of an the inability to make a decision, we have decided to pursue adoption from Ethiopia. We are hoping to adopt a child in the age range of infant to 18 months and we don't know if it will be a boy or girl. We are currently in the process of completing some initial paperwork and gathering some necessary documents. We have our first official Home Study appointment the first week of November (where we will go ever all the documents and information needed for our dossier) and hope to have our entire home study completed by mid-December. That is of course all but our fingerprinting. We can not go to be fingerprinted until me move and then we have to wait for the state of Delaware to process the criminal and background checks (which is currently taking up to four months). Once that comes back our home study will be officially complete and we can send all of our documents to Ethiopia for translation. And then we WAIT. We wait for a referral (information on the child they have matched us with) and then once we accept the referral we will travel about two months later. This all sounds like it could move pretty quickly but we imagine it will take about 18-24 months. It could be shorter or it could be longer. We don't have any real expectations, but are hopeful that it will be shorter rather than longer.

In other news...

We had a birthday party for the boys yesterday which was fun. Connor will be two on Friday and Andy will be four next Sunday. Man, time flies!!!

We are settling on our new house on October 31 and moving that weekend. We are very excited! Our house still hasn't sold, but we trust that God has a plan. We just don't know what it is yet.

rambling on the easy life

2007-10-01T07:24:00.000-05:00

In church yesterday our pastor preached on Daniel chapter 3. Here's what stood out to me, especially regarding the things going on in our life right now...

You probably know the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, even if you are not a church goer. Here's a recap... It's a miracle story where three men stand up for what they believe in, God. They refuse to worship any other God and because of their refusal to worship other gods they are thrown into a fiery furnace. While three men are thrown into the furnace the king sees four men walking together through the flames. He opens the door and calls the men out of the furnace. They exit the furnace and not a single hair on their heads had been singed.

Before the men are thrown into the fiery furnace this is what they say to King Nebuchadnezzer:

Daniel 3:16-1816 "Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered and said to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.”

They didn't agree to stand up for God and what he commanded because they knew he would rescue them in the fire. They believed that he was able to rescue them, but understood that in His perfect plan he may not do that. They placed no expectation on God to "come through" for them. S, M, & A understood that it was about God's glory and not their own. Surely they did not want to burn up in the fiery furnace but they said they would not conform in order to protect themselves.

I should begin by saying that no one has told me that if I do not do something they will throw me into a furnace, which makes it all the more sad that I struggle to trust God in these circumstances. Rather than seeking God's glory I seek my own and seek to protect my reputation. I doubt God's provision, or rather question what that provision actually looks like.

As I shared, probably months ago, we sense a very clear calling to expand our family through adoption. In order to adopt we need to move to a new home with more bedrooms. It's easy to say "God, we are moving so that we can adopt, which we know you want us to do. So, sell our house quickly." Then I expect that to happen. Yesterday I realized that I am expecting God to do this for us rather than trusting that he will work it all for our good and His glory. What are we supposed to do then? Obey. Trust the calling that God has laid on our hearts and believe what He has promised. We are never alone. He will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). Can God sell our house? Yes. Does God have to sell our house? No. I want my attitude to be like S, M, & A's... "Lord, you can deliver us from this, but if you choose not to we will still trust you and obey."

I am so worried about whether others will think we are making a mistake moving into our new home while our house is still on the market. I feel a desperate need to justify our actions and make others approve of our decisions. I even want to try to explain it to those who would just think we were even more crazy for doing it with the reasons we have. I feel a drive to conform to what this world would consider "responsible" rather than trusting God to provide for our family, however He sees fit. I have even found myself thinking "maybe this is God's way of telling us not to adopt." The reality of that thought is that I am expecting that if I do what God is calling me to do things should be easy, and because they are difficult I want to give up. In that I am giving into the idea that life is intended to be easy. God's word says just the opposite about the believers life... "The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him." Romans 8:16-17.

This all leads me to believe that if my life is easy there might be something wrong. My life has been easy for so long I wonder how many ways I have conformed in order to keep it that way. What negotiations am I making with God in order to keep everything in my life calm and simple? If someone said to me "bow down to this idol or we'll throw you into the furnace" would I say "God can rescue me from this if He chooses and if not I still believe what He has promised"? Or, would I bow down intending to repent and seek forgiveness later? Would I justify my disbelief by telling God I have to do it because my kids need their mom? Would I suggest that because of the grace of God in sending Jesus to forgive me from such sins that I do not have to trust God and obey? There is such a fine line between this life of obedience that God has called us to as his children and living a life of legalism. Because of God's grace my heart desires to trust and obey, because of my sinfulness I fail. Thank you God, for sending Jesus!

Okay, Okay...

2007-09-07T11:04:00.000-05:00

I know it's been forever. And this post will prove to be less than fascinating, but at least it's an update.

We put an offer on a house and it has been accepted. Our house is on the market and we are praying that it will sell quickly. We could potentially purchase the new home with our house still on the market but we don't really want to have two mortgages. I trust that God has already arranged what is best for us, so I'm not too worried. Though my sinful human nature worships control, so I do find myself feeling a bit anxious at times.

We shipped Andy S. off to India yesterday on a mission trip, so the boys and I are holding down the fort while he is away. I didn't expect it to be so hard to say good bye but it has been much more difficult than I expected. We've never been apart this long and I miss him already. I am so glad he is there though. We covet your prayers while he is away, for both the team and for the families left behind.

We attended our International Adoption Information Meeting on Tuesday night and it was a wonderful time for us. There was a lot of information (hence the title "information meeting") and it was a lot to absorb. It could have proven to be a bit overwhelming but as of now it has just gotten us more excited to get started. We are waiting for the Ethiopia program to open with our agency before we move forward because we believe that is the direction we should go in. Although, we are also finding ourselves open to much more special needs than we had originally thought so we'll see what God does. We know that He has already chosen the child for our family, just as he has chosen us for each other and our boys with their special personalities to be our children. When it's right I am confident that we will just know it.

Right now I feel like all of my life goes against my insatiable desire to be in control. The good news is that that is exactly what I need. I need to be stripped away of all that I worship that is not God.

Now, If you know anyone looking for a house in New Castle County here is a listing for a real winner: http://homes.realtor.com/prop/1088374986

Here's a few pics of the inside of our new house:

Living room

TV room

Master Bed

Office

There's work to be done!

2007-08-18T06:09:00.000-05:00

I want to post, but there's work to be done. This is just a quick update...

We're moving!!! We saw a house last night that we really liked and it is only about two minutes from where we are now, so it wouldn't change Andy's commute to work, which is nice. We are going to try to look at a few more (we saw seven last night), but everything in me says this is the right house. It has the space we need for a price that is right. Sure, there are a few things I would change about it but nothing that really matters. I can envision myself spending the rest of my life there and raising a family. I told Andy that the bedrooms are so big we could put at least two kids in each. So, that puts us up to six kids (ha, ha) I shouldn't laugh at that. You never know what God is going to do and having six kids doesn't sound so crazy to me anymore.

I have more to say about all that is going on right now and the things I am learning, but no time to post. There's work to be done! We have to get this house sold.

A family for a child...

2007-07-27T08:11:00.000-05:00

... not a child for a family.

This morning we filled out our preliminary application for international adoption. One of the questions was "What gender do you prefer?" Our definite answer is "male". The next question was "Will you accept either?" Ummmm.... We left that one blank for a minute or two as we answered the other questions. Then we talk about it. The conversation went something like this:

Andy: We aren't doing this for us, we are doing this for our child.

Janet: If we were pregnant we would accept our biological child regardless of the gender, why would it be any different in these circumstances?

Andy: I really would like another boy.

Janet: Me too. It's good to know that God is in control and He knows what is best for our family so lets just trust Him. If he wants us to have a daughter then we will love her as much as we would a son.

Andy: (checks "yes" box for we will accept either)

God is so good to us and we are so thankful for all that He is teaching us. I know that this adoption road can be a long one and I am looking forward to all that God is going to teach us in the process. I can't wait to meet my new baby. I feel the same emotions that I felt both times I found out I was pregnant. I am so excited and already falling in love with this child that I do not yet know. It's all a little surreal.

The plight of the orphan

2007-07-26T10:26:00.000-05:00

Well, hubby and I have been home for about 3 days from a missions trip to Ukraine. We went there to serve in an orphanage in the rural town of Tulchyn. We spent 5 days at the orphanage. My primary purpose was to spend time loving and holding the children (something that they do not experience very often). Andy was working with an incredible team of men digging ditches to install a new sewer system for the orphanage.This picture is short one ditch digger.

Now that we are home I am finding it very difficult to find the words to describe what we saw and how it affected us. The very first day we visited the orphanage was beyond overwhelming. I found myself in tears nearly every five minutes and by the evening all I could do was sit on Andy's bed and sob. When we arrived at the orphanage we were given a tour of all of the facilities. Every room we entered smelled of urine. The children looked weak and lonely. Many of the children are not held at all except to be moved from one place to another. Thinking back I don't think I saw even one worker get down onto the level of the children to comfort them or teach them about anything. Even when the children were crying they were just told to stop. The children do not wear disposable diapers, but their cloth diapers are nothing like what we think of here in America either. Their diapers are more like the thinnest least desirable rags in my cleaning closet. When the children relieve themselves the urine comes right out of the rag and sits in the crib where they are all laying together. The cribs are nothing more than a solid plank of wood with a thin sheet laid over them. This is what they sleep on. The children rock themselves back and forth in their cribs in order to achieve some level of self comfort and often all it takes to calm them from this action is a loving stroke on the cheek and hand to rest their head in. Most every child is covered in a rash from scabies. This, mind you, is one of the top rated orphanages in Ukraine.

Think of what you would do if it was your child living in these conditions. We would turn the world upside down in order to remedy these conditions if these were our children. So, here's the thing... They are all created in God's image and this is not how God intended for people created in his image to live. We live in a broken world and this is one of the many results of our broken sinfulness. Knowing how these children are living, many of them barely surviving, must result in action on our part. What can we do?

The pastor of our church, who was with us on this trip, sent an email out to our group and in it were questions that are certainly plaguing Andy and me, and I am certain the rest of the group too... What will become of these children? Who will hold and hug them in our absence? Who will pick up where we left off in teaching them stories from the Bible? Who will sing to them?

We know that God is in control, and what we need to do is pray. Pray that families will be reunited and the children will be taken out of the orphanage to live with their families. Pray that God would raise up a church in this place that will be committed to spreading the gospel and supporting the local families and orphans. Pray that God would raise up families who are willing to adopt these children into their families and love them as their own.

I also believe that we can act purposefully to care for these kids on an ongoing basis. I hope and pray that we will be able to return to further care for them. We hope to form a partnership with this orphanage in order to promote better care of the children there and see more children placed in forever families. I pray that others around this country and the world would consider more fervently the plight of the orphan and consider what steps they can take to make a difference in the lives of these children.

Consider the words to this song...

Masterpiece
by Sandi Patty

Before you had a name or opened up your eyes or anyone could recognize your face,
You were being formed so delicate in size
Secluded in God's safe and hidden place.
With your little tiny hands and little tiny feet and little eyes that shimmer like a pearl,
He breathed in you a song and to make it all complete
He brought the masterpiece into the world.
You are a masterpiece,
a new creation He has formed,
and you're as soft and fresh as a snowy winter's morn.
And I'm so glad that God has given you to me.
Little lamb of God
You are a masterpiece.

Every child made in God's image is a masterpiece and deserves to be treated as such.

James 1:27
Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and keep oneself unstained from the world.

Dream Dinners

2007-06-20T16:03:00.000-05:00

Alrighty, now for the fun stuff...

A friend of mine invited me to a "Dream Dinners" party the other night and I can't wait to tell everyone about it. The group of women who was invited met at the store and we all learned about how this Dream Dinners things works. Basically you schedule an appointment to go in to the store, you give them a list of the meals you want to prepare (chosen from their monthly menu), and then you go in and make a month worth of meals in 2 hours. They have all of the ingredients and recipes prepared so you just put it together and put it in a bag with cooking instructions and freeze it until you are ready to cook it. I will be going back in the first week of July to make my first group of meals. I chose to make 78 servings, which for us is about 29 days worth of meals, and it is only costing me $200. That is a month worth of entrees for $200. Sweet! Anyway, I just thought I would share this awesome discovery with you. I've heard of some others like it, but they were a bit more pricey. If you have something like this in your area and the prices aren't too bad I would suggest checking it out. Plus it is great fun to go with friends who might like to do it too.

It ain't easy bein' mean

2007-06-20T15:12:00.000-05:00

Okay, this is the post I was trying to write but couldn't pull myself together long enough to get the words out. If you're wondering, I am feeling much more like a human and a lot less like a monster who could bite your head off at any given moment. Although I do seem to be experiencing an unfortunate emotional "funk" that I am familiar with, but don't notice very often these days. That symptom is some pretty intense anxiety when I am in a group of people, even ones that I know. Weird, huh? I know it will pass too. I used to struggle with this feeling often so it is no surprise to me that after a really tough week I have that one last hurdle. Anyway, here's what I wanted to say before. Just change the yesterday to "A week or two ago..."

Yesterday as we were driving down the road I said to Andy "Sometimes I wish I could just get the flu or something. I would rather spike a fever and be throwing up than have to get up every day and do my job. I am tired and I want a break. I want to be able to stay in bed and have someone take care of me even if it means being sick." In the quietness I am sure Andy was thinking "Okay, she's really losing it now" but he said nothing. Moments later I was thinking about how much I do love these frustrating little creatures. I, of course, shared this thought with hubby and apologized for the complaining. I do love them and would never want a job other than the one I have. I was reminding us that children are a blessing from the Lord. Psalm 127:3 says "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward." Parenting is hard work and sometimes it is easy to forget what a blessing it is. Not to mention the extra blessing I have been granted in being able to stay at home with my boys. When we got home I decided to spend sometime focusing on the blessing that children are and spend some time studying the Bible for encouragement and wisdom. I also decided to read a book that a friend recently lent to me called Parenting Isn't For Cowards by Dr. James Dobson. At the end of the first chapter was the following paragraph:

"I don't believe that the task of procreation was intended to be so burdensome. Of course it is demanding. But modern parents have saddled themselves with unnecessary guilt, fear, and self-doubt. That is not the divine plan. Throughout the Scriptures, it is quite clear that the raising of children was viewed as a wonderful blessing from God-a welcome, joyful experience. And today, it remains one of the greatest privileges in living to bring a baby into the world... a vulnerable little human being who looks to us for all his needs. What a wonderful opportunity it is to teach these little one to love God with all their hearts and to serve their fellow man throughout their lives. There is no higher calling than that!"

Wow. What a great reminder this was of that blessing I was talking about. I've been spending a good deal of time thinking about what my job is as a mom. God says in Proverbs 13:24 "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him" Rather than recognizing that it is my responsibility to discipline I just feel like I am being mean. I believe that the guilt I feel for making my children obey is an attack from the enemy. He wants me to believe that I am not a good mom or that I am doing things wrong so that I might just give up on the whole thing. But God promises that if I do as he has commanded he will bless that. "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6. Of course I am not doing everything right. If you know someone who is please give me their number I would love to talk to them. The good news is that I don't have to do it all right. Without God working in and through me I can't do any of it at all. I trust that God can use this broken, sinful woman to bring glory to Him, and that's what it is all about. Others may not think my children are perfect and that's okay because they're not. I am just going to keep praying and believing. I will pray for all of you others mom too. When you get tired of the saying the same things a hundred times a day or feel like you have spent your entire day disciplining and just want to say "forget it" remember you're not alone. There are a million of us out here and if we are honest we all have days that we want to give up. What's better than knowing you're not alone because other moms feel this way too is knowing that you are not alone because God is always there. Surrender to him. Tell him you can't do it and you need his help. He will help. "As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!" Psalm 40:17

Miserable

2007-06-15T12:40:00.000-05:00

Okay, I've been writing a post for two days about some things I have been thinking about this week, but I am sitting here trying to finish it and all I can think about is how angry I am.

Angry? About what? I don't know. I am just miserable about everything. I feel like I am under attack. I just keep begging God to change my attitude because I know I can't change it on my own. Every time I decide to be more pleasant or less irritable I just collapse again. I don't even feel like I can function. I feel terrible for my family. They can't possibly want to be around me. I don't even want to be around myself. Ugh!

Accountability

2007-06-12T14:34:00.001-05:00

I am asking God to show me what he wants from me. That means digging into His word and spending time with Him. So often I neglect doing this for the sake of "fulfilling my God-given responsibilities" (that's the "Christianese" excuse so it sounds like I am doing something good thanks for the word Em). So if you are a regular reader of this blog and you find that I'm not posting, ask me why! I will share what I am learning about myself through God's word along with the other crazy life stuff that I love to post. However, if I'm not posting about the meaty stuff too I am probably being neglectful. Don't be shy to remind me. I know for sure some of you won't be :o) Thanks!!! Love, Janet

Antinomianism

2007-06-12T13:27:00.000-05:00

Defined: one who holds that under the gospel dispensation of grace the moral law is of no use or obligation because faith alone is necessary to salvation.

Why does this word keep popping into my head? Well, because sometimes it is so hard to find a balance between this and the message of grace that we find in the gospel. On a "good" day (probably one where you don't have to interact with other people :o) it may be easy to think "I really feel like I did everything right. I did my devotion. I prayed for other people. I cleaned my house without complaining... God MUST be happy with me." On a "bad" day it is much easier to think "Well, I sinned all day long, but that's okay, God doesn't expect me to obey. That's what grace is for. I sure am glad I can sin and know it's covered."

Here's the thing... Our sins ARE covered and grace has indeed set us free from the law (the condemnation of the law, Romans 8:1). We don't have a list of do's and dont's that we need to be haunted by, BUT... this grace that has been offered to us through Jesus has set us free to obey the law and know that when we fail we are forgiven. It has not been offered to us so that we will have an excuse as to why we don't have to obey. God has given us His law to serve as a light to guide our actions, and we can delight in His law when we understand that we are not condemned by it. In verses 1-8 of Psalm 119 learning and keeping the law of the Lord is mentioned in every verse. This theme continues all through this and all of the Psalms.

I sin because I am a sinner. God has offered me forgiveness through His son, Jesus Christ. Because of this salvation I want to obey and do what is right before God and man, but I will fail. That's where grace comes in. When I fail I trust that He is there beside me ready to forgive me and change me if I will repent and ask him to work in me. Only He can grant me the strength and even the desire to change, but I can only do what is right if I know what is right, and that is found in God's law.

"Blessed are those whose way is blameless, who walk in the law of the Lord!" Psalm 119:1

New look

2007-06-11T12:19:00.000-05:00

Today I decided it was time for a new look... Change is good (fyi, I usually only feel that way in the context of small meaningless details like how my blog looks :o)

Forgiveness

2007-06-10T12:30:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I don't post more. I have a lot of deep thoughtful moments. They are just usually fleeting and while I am thinking about it I say to myself "I should blog about this." Then by the time I sit down at my computer I have drawn a blank and I wonder what it was that I thought was so interesting earlier in the day. Well anyway, here's a little bit of how God's been dealing with me.

My husband and I were recently hurt by the words and actions of someone very dear to us and Andy made a quick, yet discerning decision to talk to this person about the situation. We were not even able to get words out about what we thought and how it affected us before this person apologized and admitted what they had done to hurt and offend us. It was such a sincere and heartfelt apology as well as a swallowing of pride in admitting the wrong that had been done. As I listened all that came to mind was Luke 12:48 "...Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required..." This verse is often used in the church as a reminder to share the wealth God has given, suggesting that if God has given you much (materially) you should give much to others. While I agree with this sentiment, I was struck on a very different level in this moment. How gracious God has been to forgive me of this wretched, sinful heart. What right would I have not to forgive? Psalm 103:11-12 "For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us." And He commands me to forgive as he forgave. How easy it was to put this incident of being sinned against into perspective when I remember all that has been forgiven me. I am so thankful that "God does not deal with me according to my sins" Psalm 103:10 I hope that I can remember this as I struggle through this broken and sinful world in order to forgive others as Christ forgave me.

Another thing that I have been mulling over is how absolutely sincere this broken, sinful person was in seeking forgiveness from two people who are as broken and sinful as he. How much more sincere and broken should my heart be when I enter into the presence of my Holy King to repent and seek forgiveness. The very thought of God's design for my salvation is awe inspiring. I think repentance to a Holy God who has already forgiven me should be exciting. How wonderful is it that what God wants from me is to repent and let go so he can change me, not to promise to change myself. I can't do anything to earn my salvation or change it (whew!) but what a joy it is to know that God will help me to see my sin and bring me face to face with Him so that I can repent and let Him change me.

Cleaning Floors

2007-05-07T11:04:00.000-05:00

As I was bent over on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor I said out loud "I HATE THIS!" Then God gave me a little nudge and reminded me to be thankful that I have a kitchen floor to scrub. It is so easy to complain rather than be thankful. What an easy life I live here in America. Just think, scrubbing my floor might be the most difficult thing I have to endure today.

The Story of the Car

2007-05-06T16:14:00.000-05:00

Andy was in an accident. He was fine, just a few bumps and bruises. We both spent the next week and a half feeling stressed out and anxious. Why? Well, the heart of it is that we just don't trust God the way we should and know we can. My head knew all the right answers and my mouth even spoke them, but for goodness sake I was ticked! We just spent $250 to have the car inspected and registered for 2 more years (when I say "just" I mean two days before the accident) We just entered the world of no car payments which we were thrilled about and we did not want to go out and get more debt after finally being free from it. STINK! So, we drove a couple of old, no REALLY old cars. I think one was an '87. That's right, your heard me, I was 7 years old when that car was new. Needless to say, these test drives brought a few laughs into our lives that we really needed at the time. Anyway, after sharing one car for a few days Andy came home from work one day and said "I decided what we are going to buy!" I of course responded with a coy "You did, huh?" As if he had some nerve deciding without having me approve this decision. He then smiled and said "We're getting a new mini-van." You should now be seeing a choir of angels singing in a heavenly voice "Ahhhhhhh..." Who would have thought that my dream car would be a mini-van!?! Yikes. We went shopping that night bought our van, picked it up 2 days later, and now if you seeing we around town I will be sporting a new Silver Hyundai Entourage. Wahoo!

The good news is that all of the satisfaction I thought I would find in having this mini-van that I've been dreaming of left me feeling empty. What a great reminder that the only place I can find true satisfaction, relief, and joy is in my Heavenly Father. I am so glad that he reminds me of this because it is so easy to get caught up in loving money and things.

Still, I do like my new ride. Here's a pic...

Goodbye, Car!

2007-04-23T20:14:00.000-05:00

Thought for the day

2007-04-12T20:50:00.000-05:00

"No one is of the Spirit of Christ but he that has the utmost compassion for sinners. Nor is there any great sign of your own perfection than you find yourself all love and compassion toward them that are very weak and defective. And on the other hand, you have never less reason to be pleased with yourself than when you find yourself most angry and offended at the behavior of others. All sin is certainly to be hated and abhorred where it is, but then we must set ourselves against sin as we do against sickness and diseases, by showing ourselves tender and compassionate to the sick and diseased."

Quote by William Law, taken from the book Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas

Addendum to "business meetings"

2007-03-28T06:13:00.000-05:00

I was just re-reading what I wrote about Andy's business trips and I want to mention how incredibly hard Andy works for our family and how VERY much I appreciate it. All of the emotion expressed in that post reveals only what I imagine his job to be like and my selfish and envious heart. I know it's not really the way I described, but sometimes I let myself believe it is so that I can sit back and throw myself a pity party.

Wii Hangover

2007-03-26T19:51:00.000-05:00

Have you ever played the Nintendo Wii? It is totally cool! Jen and Dave were here for the weekend and brought their new toy with them. This is the coolest video game system EVER! Well, this is coming from someone who almost never plays video games, but I think it was awesome. Anyway, as we were all playing I made the bold remark that I would feel fine the next day because I work out 3 times a week and so my muscles were ready for the workout they were up against. So, Sunday morning... OUCH! My entire upper body was killing me. This game system is no joke. My muscles are still not fully recovered, but they're almost there.

my house

2007-02-28T15:39:00.000-05:00

Someone recently got Andy and me thinking that maybe we should consider having a bigger house with more amenities. His argument was "you can afford better, why would you stay there?" Now, if you are reading this and you know me at all you probably know that this is something that I have struggled with for a long time, but for at least a year now I have really been finding myself feeling perfectly content and thankful for my house. Well maybe not "perfectly", things do still break and there are some things that I would like to be different, but I am satisfied knowing that these things will get done eventually. It is easier to be satisfied with the imperfections of this house because I expect to live here for a LONG time and so we have plenty of time to do the things we want.

Anyway, I have said all of this to get to this point. I am sitting here watching the Food Network while my boys are sleeping and I suddenly realized that I have my own place. This is my home. All of the problems that I worry over every day turned into something wonderful, because they are my problems and no one elses. I can fix them when I want or not fix them if I don't feel like it.

I am one of six kids and my parents home is smaller than mine, containing only one toilet. We lived there all our lives and we are all fine. We shared bedrooms and fought for the bathroom, but we all survived. The storage place was behind the walls of the attic bedrooms. In this old house we have two toilets (that right there is a HUGE deal)! We have a basement (1/2 finished and 1/2 storage). Plus we have an entire attic we can use for storage. The house feels smaller to us because we only have 2 bedrooms (used to be 3 but we wanted a bigger master for ourselves). So, here are our big dreams... We have an extra room on the side of our house that is our "shed" right now, but we are hoping to get a real shed this spring and then finish that room in the next few years. On top of that room we are considering having another bedroom built ($$$). Don't know if or when that will happen, but maybe in the next 5 years or so (these really are BIG dreams!) Lastly, I am hoping for my dream bathroom to be built over top of our kitchen (maybe after we retire we could afford that kind of project). We'll see...

Here's the thing, it doesn't really matter to me if these huge projects get done on any particular timeline or maybe at all. I am just so thankful that I have a warm and happy home. I have a home where I can live, laugh, cry, relax and enjoy my family and friends. I think people feel welcomed here (at least I hope they do). I just want my house to be a place where the people I love and care about feel safe and comfortable. All that other "fancy" stuff doesn't really matter at all.

Valentine's Day

2007-02-16T16:51:00.000-05:00

Here's a picture from our romantic Valentine's Day dinner. Andy made Pork Chops in an Oregano Wine Sauce and we had a lovely dinner by candlelight.

Ok, here's what really happened...

We don't really celebrate Valentine's day, never really have. I think it is better to do nice things all year long than to save up the romance for this one day and then do it because everyone else is and that's what is expected. I was originally supposed to go out with my sis-in-law for dinner but because of the snow we had to reschedule. So, I decided what we were going to have for dinner and got everything ready, then after sledding for half the afternoon I was WAY too tired to cook anything. Andy was kind and willing to do the cooking instead. Both boys were in bed, Connor sleeping and Andy J watching a movie in our bed. Just as dinner was finishing the lights went out. We lost all power. The only thing we could think was "Oh Crap! If it doesn't come back on it time we are going to miss Lost!" So, we lit some candles and took some pictures so as to make it appear that we are some super romantic couple, but I can not tell a lie. Andy J. came downstairs because his movie went off and he sat with us as we ate. Then when the lights came back on we all went to the basement and played CandyLand together. I have to say, it was probably the most romantic Valentine's I have ever had, but not because of fancy food and candles. I was romanced by watching Andy with Andy J. as we played CandyLand. He is so good with our boys. So good at teaching them and showing patience, and I can see the pride and joy in his eyes as he watches them start to understand what we are trying to explain. I am so blessed!

Lucky me!

2007-02-01T21:06:00.000-05:00

Today my best friend sent me an early birthday card. She will either be a new mom or having her baby on my birthday, so she obviously thought ahead and sent it early. (I wish I had that kind of devotion to sending cards to people I care about.)
Anyway, that card couldn't have come at a better time. If you read my earlier post you know that I have had a pretty terrible day. My friend expressed that she feels there would be a felt hole in her life if I wasn't there, and I don't think she could have put it any better. I don't know what I would do without her. She is the ONLY person who has been there through ALL of it. "Best friend" sound so teenager, but there is no other way to describe it. It is so awesome to know that she will always be there. I think women in general spend a lot of time looking for "real" friends because real friends are hard to find. I am, well on Monday, 27 and I have found a life long friend that I know I can always count on. How lucky am I?!?!

business meetings aren't so bad

2007-02-01T14:33:00.000-05:00

Today I am wasting my day being angry. There are a couple of things bothering me. First of all, my ex-sister-in-law is such a jerk and I am really angry with her because of how selfish she is and all that she has already put my brother-in-law through and all she continues to do just to make his life difficult. Also, Andy is away for business meetings and I am home doing what I always do. This would normally just be a time when I miss him and wish he were home with me, but today I am jealous and angry. He flew in to CO on Tuesday but didn't have any meetings that day so was able to go and do some touristy things as soon as he got there. He was then able to go out to dinner with other adults and just hang out afterwards. Last night he went out to dinner with the guys again and then stayed up hanging out at the bar til one in the morning (3 am, our time). He called to say goodnight when he got in for the night, which I requested so I wasn't angry that he called so late. I am just irritated that his "business meetings" are so freakin fun. All the while I am at home taking care of kids, and doing laundry. Why don't I get to go away for business meetings? Sure, a meeting from 9-5 might be pretty boring, but I would gladly sit through someone speaking at me for a day and a half if it meant I got 3 adult evenings to myself. Not only is he getting these 3 nights of break from the norm, but that means I am at home alone with no one coming home at 5:30 to help me out. I like to believe that I am extra irritated because I hardly sleep when he is away and so I am REALLY tired, but I am afraid it is just because I am tired in general and it makes me so stinking jealous that he gets this break. Well, this is me venting! I should make it clear that I'm not angry at Andy, just at the circumstances. I think someone should organize business meetings for stay-at-home moms. At least twice a year there should be a meeting where moms gather and learn something new that will help with their jobs. How about a 3-day seminar on tips for organizing your home? or a time management seminar that will help us to balance all of the things we have to do everyday? Ok, I'm finished for now. It's time to go to the grocery store.

lonely

2007-01-30T21:27:00.000-05:00

Andy flew to CO this morning and even though he hasn't even been gone a whole day I miss him. I miss him because I know I won't see him again until Friday. It's a strange feeling that I can't explain. Maybe the best thing to say is that I feel like a part of me is missing. From 8 am to about 4:30 pm I am fine because I spend all of those hours just me and the boys every day, but at 4:30 when I usually start thinking about him coming home from work I start feeling incredibly lonely, or exhausted. I don't know how military wives or single moms do it. I am so tired by 5:30 when Andy is walking in the door each evening that I don't think I could survive if I had to do it alone all day every day. As a friend of mine would say, some people are just wired different.

One word for you... VASECTOMY!

2007-01-30T20:11:00.000-05:00

Tonight I am watching 7 of my sister's 8 kids. It's me and 9 kids. Need I say more?

refreshing

2007-01-24T22:04:00.000-05:00

I spent time with a friend today, someone with whom I don't always get to spend a lot of time. It was so refreshing. I had the opportunity to share so many of the things about myself that I wish were different and the ways God is working on me. I shared some of my insecurities and how I sometimes avoid spending time with certain people just because I think they are so much "better" than me. This, of course, does not stem from anything these people do to make me feel this way but from my own personal issues. It was a day of great encouragment for me. I learned that those on whom I project my own image of perfection are actually stuggling with so many of the same things that I am. I have also been thinking that if there are people that, in my mind, are (for lack of a better word) "better" than me it might just be that there is wisdom for me to gain from them.

Women spend soooooo.... much time comparing themselves to others, and oddly enough we are spending much of that time and energy comparing ourselves to the same people who are comparing themselves to us. YIKES!!! What a waste! I wonder if knowing that will ever change the way I feel or think about things like this. I hope so. I need to remember what my friend said today. I can not change any of this from my own efforts, but my relationship with God can and that starts with prayer. I am so thankful for that direct line to God. How good it is to know I can talk to him any time about anything!

the pressure is on

2007-01-24T09:19:00.000-05:00

I've been getting requests for another post and trust me my failure to write isn't for lack of trying. I have been so busy lately that it seems I should have a ton of things to write about, but when I sit down to share my life with you nothing important comes to mind. The reason I have been so busy lately is that I am really trying to put feet to my words. The title of my blog, as I have said in a previous post, has to do with making time for people instead of being busy worrying about all the "one more things" that don't really matter. I have been making a real effort to spend time with friends and sometimes even family (I mean extended, of course my 3 boys come first when it comes to people). I tend to get so busy thinking about my home and the things that need to be done that I push others away in an attempt to make time for everything I want to do. I am learning that there can be happy medium. I do have responsibilities at home that I need to take care of, but I don't have to shut out everything else to have time for all of that. I can even do extra stuff and still make time for the really important stuff like being a mom and a friend. For instance, we painted our living room last week and while making plans to paint I realized that I had made plans to spend time with a different person every day that week. I was a little irritated with myself for making all of these plans because I really wanted the living room done. I came to grips with the fact that it would just take me a little longer to do than I had hoped, but it would get done. I was able to invite my friends into my home without worrying about the fact that the place was a complete disaster. Turns out that once I relaxed about the lack of time to paint some of my time freed up and I was able to spend one WHOLE day painting. I got the entire room painted in one day except for the baseboards and window trim, which Andy and my Dad both helped with and got the whole job done in just a few scattered days. I've been able to spend more time with my boys too. We play puppets, cars, wrestle, catch, and we watch WAY less tv. Ahhhh.... I HATE tv and how much time it sucks out of our lives. Since we have been spending more time playing together Andy J's attitude has changed dramatically. He plays by himslef when I am busy doing things around the house and he does whatever I ask him to without complaining or arguing. Of course he is still a three-year-old, and we have our moments, but overall I can really see a change in the way spending time with your kids can affect them.

Well, I guess that's all I have to say for now. Here are some pics of our "new" living room. There are a few pics that still need to go on the walls and I still need to iron the curtains before I put them up, but that's it except for furniture. I am so anxious to get furniture! (we're waiting til tax time)

Where's the video camera when you need it?

2007-01-15T21:31:00.000-05:00

I wish we had a video camera in our basement last night. Andy and I were hanging out watching Napolean Dynamite (I'm not sure why, the quotes are funny but the movie is stupid). I got up to go to the bathroom and on my way back into the room I was talking to Andy, who I thought was laying on the floor. To my surprise, he was not on the floor but hiding behind the door at which point he jump out and screamed at the top of his lungs. His "scare scream" can not possibly compare to the scream that followed. I have never been so startled in my life, and I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard.

God is working on me, boy that's a BIG job!

2007-01-15T21:09:00.000-05:00

I'm glad that God is pushing me out of my comfort zone. Over the past couple of months I have found myself in situations that require me to put my insecurities aside and step up to the plate where I am completely uncomfortable. Oddly enough I come out of each of these circumstances feeling more conifident than I could have imagined. I am not confident in my own abilities, but confident in what God can do with my stubborn, insecure heart; and I am thankful that He is working on me.

mouse in the house

2007-01-08T12:34:00.000-05:00

We have a mouse. We have lived in this house just over four years and in all that time we have only had one mouse. Now, in the past month we have had two. Maybe there's more than one right now, who knows... Anyway, that little s.o.b. is asking for it! He ate half of my Tastefully simple stuff and my Symphony bar. You would find it rare to hear a curse exit my lips; I find it to be generally unnecessary, but this mouse has made me so angry that I just keep cussing the little jerk out. It's lucky that I'm not PMSing or I would probably be in tears. My house is clean, not just neat, CLEAN! Why does he feel welcomed here? I guess we shouldn't keep so much wine in the house, huh?

speaking of love and marriage

2007-01-07T17:01:00.000-05:00

Married friends... check out Emily's blog "Repentance and Faith" (specifically the Holy or Happy? post http://repentancefaith.blogspot.com/2006/11/holy-or-happy.html) You should read them all, she's got a lot of great stuff to say. I was just especially struck by this post and thought it great encouragement for all of you who are married or going to be anytime soon.

super-double-chocolate-brownie with homemade vanilla ice cream, carmel sauce, hot fudge, don't forget the whipped cream on top

2007-01-07T16:25:00.000-05:00

I had to laugh today as I looked over at two of my good friends sitting next to me holding hands. They have only been dating for 5 months and recently got engaged to be married. They came over for dinner this past week and I noted to Andy that they seemed like they were attached at the hip. This is not what is so funny... The humor hit me when I thought of our 5 year marriage and other friends who have been married for a little while (specifically Jen & Dave). J & D were here a week ago and as we all sat and watched tv together one evening the seating arrangements were so different than those of these new lovebirds. Jen and Andy each sat in their own Lazy Boy recliners Dave and I sat on the couch together and no one was looking at their significant other with eyes full of longing wishing they could be a little closer. Don't get me wrong, we love each other and we love to be close (our two children and Jen's expanding midsection are all evidence of that) but there's no constant physical affection being shown. It all seems so ridiculous when I think about how relationships begin and how they end up in the real world. It's so much easier now that we don't have to try so hard. We were talking with these new lovebirds about all the things that are different once you're married. It probably sounded horrible to people so "in love" but the truth is I am more in love now than I was back when it was all cuddle and hugs. (Well, it it was never ALL cuddles and hugs). I think this couple is sweet in the "super-double-chocolate-brownie with homemade vanilla ice cream, carmel sauce, hot fudge, don't forget the whipped cream on top sort of way". It's good, but you can't have it all the time, right? You can only have so much before you start throwing up. They don't know that the best is yet to come... I am really excited for them as they start this new adventure.

It's been a while

2007-01-04T20:31:00.000-05:00

It's been a month and a half since I last posted. I want to do it more regularly but that just doesn't happen. I was telling Andy (Sr.) the other day that sometimes I go through my days thinking about different things that I should blog about, but by the time I sit down at night I am either too tired to write anything intelligent or I just forget (a part of being too tired, I guess). Anyway, over the past several weeks I have had much to say but little time to say it.

We had a great Christmas. I got a new laptop. It's an awesome gift and you can understand how much I really appreciate it if you know about my old one. Here's the newbie...
The boys got lots of cool stuff too. Here's some pictures of them opening their gifts...

We had to clean out the old toys the Sunday before so we could make room for the new ones coming. We finished our dining room just before Christmas and we had the Clark family over for Christmas dinner. Andy made two ducks with orange sauce, and I made all the sides. We're a pretty good team. Here's a couple more pics, it's our dining room...I love eating in our "REAL" dining room. (Thanks for the light, Em.) We are going to start work on the living room in a couple of weeks. I went to the furniture store today and picked out the stuff I like, so now we just have to get the room ready for the furniture.

I am in cleaning and organizing mode these days. I don't know how long it will last, but I am glad about it for as long as it does. My house hasn't seen so much energy from me in a while. I am going through bags and closets, I am washing laundry before there is a whole load worth, yesterday I waxed the kitchen floor. I had no idea that my floor could ever look that good again. It's like an 36 week pregnant woman in nesting mode, CRAZY... But the house looks great. Every day I have a list of things to get done and everyday they are getting done. If you know me, you know this is not the norm. Today I did finally let one thing go, but I will be up first thing in the morning doing it.

Well, I'll post again soon...I hope.

nap time

2006-11-16T15:58:00.000-05:00

Today is a miserable day. Not because I am miserable, just the weather. It makes me so tired. I laid next to Andy J. at nap time and told him that I could only stay there for 5 minutes and then I had to go get things done. I woke up 45 minutes later, and now I am wondering why I didn't just stay there and go back to sleep. I can't even think of anything that is so important that it needs to be done right now. Maybe I should pay the bills, but the bills will still be there tomorrow. Maybe I should pick up the toys that are on the floor, but they will just be back on the floor in a couple of hours. The dishes are done, the dryer is running, and the rugs are vacuumed. I am going back to sleep.

Here's to my friends with stinky towels

2006-11-15T21:41:00.000-05:00

Today I was encouraged that it is good to have little reminders that I'm not perfect. I can't do it all. I am here to glorify God, no one else. Does it matter if my towels stink sometimes or that I have a messy bedroom? Not to God, and not to those who care about me instead of what I can do. Thank you to the friends who let me know it's okay to be me. It's okay that I fail sometimes (a lot of the time). Failure is not a sink full of dirty dishes, an unmade bed, clothes on the floor, stinky towels, or needing to wipe my feet on a rug after walking through my kitchen. The only thing in this life I really need to succeed at is bringing glory to God and enjoying Him, and I can only do that by his grace. I am so glad it's not all up to me, because I really can't do it all. Sometimes I feel like I can't do any of it.

laughing my butt off

2006-11-15T21:23:00.000-05:00

If you ever have the chance, take some time to watch and listen to a 3-year-old kid playing. Today I sat listening to my son playing in his room, talking on his cell phone and asking his little brother to keep it down because he was trying to talk to his Aunt Sharon. His impatience soon turned to anger and he began to tell his baby brother to "stop it stupid Connor" (a new word he has recently learned from one of his young friends). Though he has learned his fair share of inappropriate saying from his mother as well, I asked him to come to my room and explained that he was not allowed to use that word anymore. I then sent him back to his room to use kind words with his brother. He proceded to say "Cute connor stop saying wah, wah. I am trying to talk on the phone." Then he came back into my room peering out from his yellow plastic contruction hat, Daddy's saftey goggles, while talking on his cell phone to let me know that he was not saying stupid anymore. I could not stop laughing. I think it would be excellent if it was really possible to "laugh my butt off" because if it was, living with a 3-year-old would make me one skinny mom. Maybe it is my lack of contact with the outside world that makes this all seem so funny to me maybe it's just or my "mother's heart", but I think if most of you had the chance to watch and listen you couldn't help but laugh at the stuff kids come up with.

Just One More Thing

2006-11-15T20:55:00.000-05:00

There is a new song I have discovered that has inspired the name of my blog. It is by Sara Groves and these are some of the lyrics:

There's always just one more thing...There's always another task...And everything is important...But everything is not...At the end of your life your relationships are all you're got...There will never be an end to The request upon your time...It's your place to stand up and tell the world...You've got to rest awhile...And love to me is when you put down that one more thing and say...I've got something better to do...And love to me is when you walk out on that one more thing and say...Nothing will come between me and you...Not even one thing

I try to hold these words close to me as I walk through my days and make decisions on how to spend my time. Every lesson is a process because I am a sinner. I wish it was as easy as hearing something, knowing it was right and true, and making the change never to return to my old ways. Oh Well, these will be the trials and joys of a woman being worked on by God. I'm just glad to know that he won't give up on me.

Today I cried...

2006-10-31T21:10:00.000-05:00

I had to send my 3 year old to his room today for being, well 3. After insisting several times over the hyterical screaming and crying that he go to his room and sit on his bed he finally made it to the top of the steps where he slipped and fell all the way down. After making sure he was okay and spending a few minutes cuddling and comforting him I had to follow through with the discipline and make him go to his room. Yikes, am I mean or what?!? So he went to his room a bit easier this time (only a bit) and waited for me to come up to talk to him. I went up several minutes later to talk to him about why he was sitting there. He laid his head in my lap and cried for a few minutes before settling down. Then as we sat there I suddenly burst into tears. Sometimes I am so tired and this job gets so hard. I feel like I am failing my kids. When they act up I think it is because I am not doing my job of teaching them very well. As I sat there crying he looked up at me, seemingly confused as to why mommy was crying. Then he hugged me, looked around the room, picked up his favorite stuffed animal, looked around the room again and picked up another animal which he handed to me and said "you can have this, mommy." Then he gave me another hug. In that moment I realized he is turning out to be at least some of who I hope he will be. He cares about other people and how they are feeling. When he sees they are hurting he wants to help. My son is a sinner, and so he will sin. It is my job to help him know the difference between right and wrong and to encourage him to do right. I am so thankful for his kind, sweet, caring heart and for the moment that, despite his own sadness, he showed that part of himself to me.

Life without kids, I don't think so

2006-10-11T04:33:00.000-05:00

I will be sitting in the Airport 24 hours from now waiting to board my plane. I am so excited, but so anxious about it at the same time. 6 days alone with my husband, what WILL we do? I am already stressed about leaving the boys. I know it will be great for us, but I will miss them like crazy! If you don't have kids it may be hard to appreciate the sentiment of my anxiety. Before you have kids, there are so many different things that define your relationship. There is a broad scope of topics to discuss and plenty of time and energy to spend discussing them. Children redefine a relationship. There is no getting around it. You can look on to having kids and think that won't be you, but it will. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad, just different...
Life without kids... The alarm goes off and you hit snooze several times before you actually open your eyes. You wake up and hug or kiss your husband, you can take a shower and brush your teeth, you have time to blow dry your hair and you might not wear that shirt that has a stain on it.
Life with kids... A kid walks into your room at 6 am and climbs into bed between you and your husband, kid .. 2 begins screaming for you to rescue him from his bed. As you pick him up you realize his diaper has leaked AGAIN and so you clean him up, change all the sheets and begin your day. Throw your hair in a ponytail, put on the shirt that is on top of the basket of clean laundry (who has time to put it away?) and don't worry if there's a stain, you are bound to get something on it anyway. Maybe you get to take a shower if you can get them to nap at the same time at some point during the day.
So, for the next six days I get to live scenario ..1. Sounds nice, but I sure am going to miss that little guy climbing into bed in the morning and curling up next to me, and how excited the other little guy gets when a come into his room and say "goodmorning". I wouldn't trade it for anything, but getting away will be nice. I just hope I relax.

I've been getting a lot of good advice from older, wiser people recently. On Sunday an old friend, who will be a grandfather soon, shared with us about his life and marriage with kids and his life since kids. He related to us that it is okay that having kids changes you and your relationship. Once a parent, always a parent. You can have a healthy marriage, but a substantial part of it will revolve around your kids, and someday they will leave your home and you will have to get to know each other in a different way. All the roads you travel will just make your marriage happier and stronger if you travel them together and communicate all along the way.

"Only You"

2006-10-03T15:39:00.000-05:00

The wife of the man I wrote about in my last blog sent these lyrics to me today. She was just thinking about how well they express what we feel for our "special someones" As I've said before, they've been married 34 years. Isn't it great to know we will still feel this way in 30 years? Here are the lyrics, the song is called "Only You"...

Only you can make this world seem right.
Only you can make the darkness bright.
Only you and you alone can thrill me like you do
And fill my heart with love for only you.

Only you can make this change in me,
For it's true you are my destiny,
When you hold my hand, I understand the magic that you do.
You're my dream come true, my one and only you.

Is this about marriage or pms?

2006-10-02T21:31:00.000-05:00

So, i've been thinking about marriage and what it's all about...

It's not all cuddles and hugs, anyone who believes that is the case is in for a rude awakening. Someone who I would not typically talk to about marriage said to me the other day "It's about always being there for each other, knowing you always have someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on." He's been married for 34 years and is not a particularly soft person, but he has always been there for his wife and they love each other deeply.

Women, I think, sometimes expect too much, myself included. When the romance is low and we need to be reassured we want our men to know what we're thinking. Granted, some men are especially romantic, but for most of us I guess this is not the case. I feel needy right around the same time every month:o) Last month I finally laid it all on the table and went into specific detail as to what bothers me and what I need. It felt great, problem solved-well, for that pms cycle anyway. Now the feelings begin again. It is a vicious cycle and I hate it. Why do I have to be so irrational?

Anyway, if I would just see the ways he shows me his love, maybe I wouldn't long to hear the words so much. Not to mention that I don't think I hear him say it as often as he does. I only notice it when it doesn't happen and then I feel (and I am sure many of you understand this feeling) like he might hate me and have no use for me anymore.

I remember having similar feelings regarding a particular friend who I lived with years ago. My best friend, who I could just tell her like it was and she did the same for me, but there was a time every month where I figured she thought she could do better for a roommate and best friend.

When I pms, the world hates me...at least that's the way I see it. The people I love the most are the ones that hate me the most. I need to get over this!

I digress...

So, take what your husband offers and if you don't feel like it's enough, make it what you want it to be. If you need more romance, do something about it. If more sex sounds good, make it happen. If you want to talk more, just tell him. I spent a week wondering if I could even talk to him about the things I had to say and once I did he said "I wish you had told me sooner." I think it's time to stop beating him up (in my mind) for the way I wish things were sometimes and start making it how I want it to be.

Don't worry, I'll be going through this again in about a month...