It ain't easy bein' mean

Okay, this is the post I was trying to write but couldn't pull myself together long enough to get the words out. If you're wondering, I am feeling much more like a human and a lot less like a monster who could bite your head off at any given moment. Although I do seem to be experiencing an unfortunate emotional "funk" that I am familiar with, but don't notice very often these days. That symptom is some pretty intense anxiety when I am in a group of people, even ones that I know. Weird, huh? I know it will pass too. I used to struggle with this feeling often so it is no surprise to me that after a really tough week I have that one last hurdle. Anyway, here's what I wanted to say before. Just change the yesterday to "A week or two ago..."

Yesterday as we were driving down the road I said to Andy "Sometimes I wish I could just get the flu or something. I would rather spike a fever and be throwing up than have to get up every day and do my job. I am tired and I want a break. I want to be able to stay in bed and have someone take care of me even if it means being sick." In the quietness I am sure Andy was thinking "Okay, she's really losing it now" but he said nothing. Moments later I was thinking about how much I do love these frustrating little creatures. I, of course, shared this thought with hubby and apologized for the complaining. I do love them and would never want a job other than the one I have. I was reminding us that children are a blessing from the Lord. Psalm 127:3 says "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward." Parenting is hard work and sometimes it is easy to forget what a blessing it is. Not to mention the extra blessing I have been granted in being able to stay at home with my boys. When we got home I decided to spend sometime focusing on the blessing that children are and spend some time studying the Bible for encouragement and wisdom. I also decided to read a book that a friend recently lent to me called Parenting Isn't For Cowards by Dr. James Dobson. At the end of the first chapter was the following paragraph:

"I don't believe that the task of procreation was intended to be so burdensome. Of course it is demanding. But modern parents have saddled themselves with unnecessary guilt, fear, and self-doubt. That is not the divine plan. Throughout the Scriptures, it is quite clear that the raising of children was viewed as a wonderful blessing from God-a welcome, joyful experience. And today, it remains one of the greatest privileges in living to bring a baby into the world... a vulnerable little human being who looks to us for all his needs. What a wonderful opportunity it is to teach these little one to love God with all their hearts and to serve their fellow man throughout their lives. There is no higher calling than that!"

Wow. What a great reminder this was of that blessing I was talking about. I've been spending a good deal of time thinking about what my job is as a mom. God says in Proverbs 13:24 "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him" Rather than recognizing that it is my responsibility to discipline I just feel like I am being mean. I believe that the guilt I feel for making my children obey is an attack from the enemy. He wants me to believe that I am not a good mom or that I am doing things wrong so that I might just give up on the whole thing. But God promises that if I do as he has commanded he will bless that. "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6. Of course I am not doing everything right. If you know someone who is please give me their number I would love to talk to them. The good news is that I don't have to do it all right. Without God working in and through me I can't do any of it at all. I trust that God can use this broken, sinful woman to bring glory to Him, and that's what it is all about. Others may not think my children are perfect and that's okay because they're not. I am just going to keep praying and believing. I will pray for all of you others mom too. When you get tired of the saying the same things a hundred times a day or feel like you have spent your entire day disciplining and just want to say "forget it" remember you're not alone. There are a million of us out here and if we are honest we all have days that we want to give up. What's better than knowing you're not alone because other moms feel this way too is knowing that you are not alone because God is always there. Surrender to him. Tell him you can't do it and you need his help. He will help. "As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!" Psalm 40:17