Today I cried...

I had to send my 3 year old to his room today for being, well 3. After insisting several times over the hyterical screaming and crying that he go to his room and sit on his bed he finally made it to the top of the steps where he slipped and fell all the way down. After making sure he was okay and spending a few minutes cuddling and comforting him I had to follow through with the discipline and make him go to his room. Yikes, am I mean or what?!? So he went to his room a bit easier this time (only a bit) and waited for me to come up to talk to him. I went up several minutes later to talk to him about why he was sitting there. He laid his head in my lap and cried for a few minutes before settling down. Then as we sat there I suddenly burst into tears. Sometimes I am so tired and this job gets so hard. I feel like I am failing my kids. When they act up I think it is because I am not doing my job of teaching them very well. As I sat there crying he looked up at me, seemingly confused as to why mommy was crying. Then he hugged me, looked around the room, picked up his favorite stuffed animal, looked around the room again and picked up another animal which he handed to me and said "you can have this, mommy." Then he gave me another hug. In that moment I realized he is turning out to be at least some of who I hope he will be. He cares about other people and how they are feeling. When he sees they are hurting he wants to help. My son is a sinner, and so he will sin. It is my job to help him know the difference between right and wrong and to encourage him to do right. I am so thankful for his kind, sweet, caring heart and for the moment that, despite his own sadness, he showed that part of himself to me.

Life without kids, I don't think so

I will be sitting in the Airport 24 hours from now waiting to board my plane. I am so excited, but so anxious about it at the same time. 6 days alone with my husband, what WILL we do? I am already stressed about leaving the boys. I know it will be great for us, but I will miss them like crazy! If you don't have kids it may be hard to appreciate the sentiment of my anxiety. Before you have kids, there are so many different things that define your relationship. There is a broad scope of topics to discuss and plenty of time and energy to spend discussing them. Children redefine a relationship. There is no getting around it. You can look on to having kids and think that won't be you, but it will. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad, just different...
Life without kids... The alarm goes off and you hit snooze several times before you actually open your eyes. You wake up and hug or kiss your husband, you can take a shower and brush your teeth, you have time to blow dry your hair and you might not wear that shirt that has a stain on it.
Life with kids... A kid walks into your room at 6 am and climbs into bed between you and your husband, kid .. 2 begins screaming for you to rescue him from his bed. As you pick him up you realize his diaper has leaked AGAIN and so you clean him up, change all the sheets and begin your day. Throw your hair in a ponytail, put on the shirt that is on top of the basket of clean laundry (who has time to put it away?) and don't worry if there's a stain, you are bound to get something on it anyway. Maybe you get to take a shower if you can get them to nap at the same time at some point during the day.
So, for the next six days I get to live scenario ..1. Sounds nice, but I sure am going to miss that little guy climbing into bed in the morning and curling up next to me, and how excited the other little guy gets when a come into his room and say "goodmorning". I wouldn't trade it for anything, but getting away will be nice. I just hope I relax.

I've been getting a lot of good advice from older, wiser people recently. On Sunday an old friend, who will be a grandfather soon, shared with us about his life and marriage with kids and his life since kids. He related to us that it is okay that having kids changes you and your relationship. Once a parent, always a parent. You can have a healthy marriage, but a substantial part of it will revolve around your kids, and someday they will leave your home and you will have to get to know each other in a different way. All the roads you travel will just make your marriage happier and stronger if you travel them together and communicate all along the way.

"Only You"

The wife of the man I wrote about in my last blog sent these lyrics to me today. She was just thinking about how well they express what we feel for our "special someones" As I've said before, they've been married 34 years. Isn't it great to know we will still feel this way in 30 years? Here are the lyrics, the song is called "Only You"...

Only you can make this world seem right.
Only you can make the darkness bright.
Only you and you alone can thrill me like you do
And fill my heart with love for only you.

Only you can make this change in me,
For it's true you are my destiny,
When you hold my hand, I understand the magic that you do.
You're my dream come true, my one and only you.

Is this about marriage or pms?

So, i've been thinking about marriage and what it's all about...

It's not all cuddles and hugs, anyone who believes that is the case is in for a rude awakening. Someone who I would not typically talk to about marriage said to me the other day "It's about always being there for each other, knowing you always have someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on." He's been married for 34 years and is not a particularly soft person, but he has always been there for his wife and they love each other deeply.

Women, I think, sometimes expect too much, myself included. When the romance is low and we need to be reassured we want our men to know what we're thinking. Granted, some men are especially romantic, but for most of us I guess this is not the case. I feel needy right around the same time every month:o) Last month I finally laid it all on the table and went into specific detail as to what bothers me and what I need. It felt great, problem solved-well, for that pms cycle anyway. Now the feelings begin again. It is a vicious cycle and I hate it. Why do I have to be so irrational?

Anyway, if I would just see the ways he shows me his love, maybe I wouldn't long to hear the words so much. Not to mention that I don't think I hear him say it as often as he does. I only notice it when it doesn't happen and then I feel (and I am sure many of you understand this feeling) like he might hate me and have no use for me anymore.

I remember having similar feelings regarding a particular friend who I lived with years ago. My best friend, who I could just tell her like it was and she did the same for me, but there was a time every month where I figured she thought she could do better for a roommate and best friend.

When I pms, the world hates me...at least that's the way I see it. The people I love the most are the ones that hate me the most. I need to get over this!

I digress...

So, take what your husband offers and if you don't feel like it's enough, make it what you want it to be. If you need more romance, do something about it. If more sex sounds good, make it happen. If you want to talk more, just tell him. I spent a week wondering if I could even talk to him about the things I had to say and once I did he said "I wish you had told me sooner." I think it's time to stop beating him up (in my mind) for the way I wish things were sometimes and start making it how I want it to be.

Don't worry, I'll be going through this again in about a month...